Building Britches

By Jon Simonds
Editor’s Note: Mr. Simond’s Basically Brooklyn column has delighted readers for over 30 years.

In a concerted effort to lower the deficit, the US Department of Transportation has put together a list of 5 bridges to be auctioned off on November first of this year. Topping the leaked list of bridges is the George Washington bridge connecting the City of New York with I-80, the most utilized trucking route in the country.

“You can drive from the Bronx Terminal to the busiest shipping ports in San Fran,” trucker Emily Matters told us. “And with the shortage of drivers leading to the supply chain problems we get the pick of the litter. I mean, do I want a haul a load of pigs feet from Morocco to a small company paying $3 grand in Topeka, Kansas or should I take Columbian coffee to New York City for $10 grand. I mean, I know people in Topeka are crying for pigs feet and blaming the Soros family for preventing shipments and driving the price per hoof through the roof, but c’mon. I have a family to take care of. I’m hauling coffee to New York City. I mean wouldn’t you? People from Topeka have to understand, or rent a U-haul truck and go to San Fran for the pigs feet themselves. With the price per hoof these days, they should at least break even.”

The toll coming into the city for a passenger car is currently $16.00 a vehicle. Truckers pay $8 dollars an axle. A sixteen wheeler consists of 8 axles. Even without the enormous profit coming from the trucking industry, an estimated 250,000 vehicles a day cross the bridge translating into nearly half a million dollars a daily.

Another Bridge drawing interest is the Piscataqua Bridge connecting Portsmouth, New Hampshire with Kittery, Maine. Approximately 4,000 cars an hour cross over the bridge. A buyer would be required to put up a toll plaza, but a $5 dollar toll would produce a $20,000 dollar an hour income.

The other three bridges are said to be The Sunshine Skyway in Florida, the Bixby Creek Bridge in California and the New River Gorge Bridge in West Virginia. A preliminary list of interested parties includes the Wong family of China, Elon Musk and sources at Mar-a-Largo are already talking as if Trump Realty has the George Washington Bridge all locked up. A source close to the former President has described the gentleman in charge of the bidding as a huge Trump supporter. There will be no stealing of the bridge on bidding day. Every single dollar will be counted and any counterfeit or fake bills will be thrown out. There is already an auditing group to do a re-count if need be.

Trump has prepared a speech at his up and coming rallies in an effort to have the people pay for the bridge through a go fund me page being set up by a committee to make America even greater.

Portions of the leaked speech include,

“Do we want Chi-Na to own the most valuable Bridge in America? No, folks. We don’t want that. Real Americans don’t want that. Patriots would never allow that and I am a true Patriot. I will make America even greater than I made it before Biden stole the election and mucked it all up again. It’s terrible. I’m not going to allow this to happen. He was a great General, George was, but a lousy President. He gave America its first deficit and it’s only gotten worse from there. I’ll end the deficit and stop Chi-Na from buying our bridge. A beautiful bridge. We’ll throw a fresh coat of paint on it and rename it Trump’s Crossing, representing a time when America truly crossed out of the spiraling disaster it’s become into the greatest nation in the history of mankind. Yes, folks. Only I can do this.”